Teaching Kids Appropriate Social Behavior
No matter what culture, environment, or values, as parents we really want to do what’s best for our children. We want everything we do to be in the best interest of our children. We want them to grow up and be healthy, productive adults – and, often, that starts with teaching them socially acceptable behaviors when they’re young.
Social behaviors are any behavior in which one human affects another.
So when we think about socially acceptable behaviors, one of the most important influences in how we parent our children happens when we’re out in the world. How the world sees our children can carry a lot of weight.
And if you know where your child is at developmentally and have a plan, you’re able to parent in a much calmer way when you’re out in the world. You won’t feel as much need to compare them to peers, to just hope their behavior doesn’t happen ‘this time’ or work itself out,t, and you definitely don’t need to wait for a behavior crisis.
You can start teaching healthy social behaviors now. From the time your baby is born – and even before that! – you’re talking to them and telling them how much you love them, even if they don’t understand yet… you’re setting a foundation for them.
Tools for teaching healthy social behaviors
The goal of these practices is to teach your little how to think, not just what to think when it comes to socially acceptable behaviors. And this takes time, patience and repetition.
Teaching them what to think means that we’re always instructing, directing, and telling them what to do, and when they don’t… in comes the power struggle, the you versus them. The “I’ve told you this already… you should know” scenarios.
Teaching them how to think means we raise independent thinkers, we raise them to be problem solvers, we raise them to have socially acceptable behaviors and make better choices over time. (Bonus: teaching your littles to make better decisions will keep them safe when they’re older!)
I want you to think of these as tools in your pocket. The more you use the tools the more you’re going to have success. These tools allow you to reflect on a past situation that continues to happen and think “How can I handle this differently next time”. AND… you also have permission to perfectly imperfectly parent your children – meaning, using these tools and practices just 50% of the time is still better than 0% of the time.
Parenting is messy. It’s all about learning and growing yourself too. They make mistakes, and so do we.
Validation
Validation is so important when it comes to raising little ones. In fact, 50% of a person’s anxiety or distress (even as adults) goes away when they know someone’s on their side and on their team.
Here are a few examples of what validation may look like:
When your little grabs a toy from a friend. “That’s a great toy, I know you love that toy. Zach is playing with it right now. When he’s done, you can have a turn.”
When your little wants more dessert and starts whining. “I know you want another ice cream, ice cream is so delicious! There will be another day for ice cream. What flavor do you think you’ll choose?”
When your little wants you to sleep with them all night long but no one gets good sleep. “I love that you love spending time with me! I love being with you so much AND I love your snuggles.Let’s get our snuggles in while we read. What book do you want to read together before we sleep?”
Then as a bonus… In the morning you can tell your little one how you checked in on them before you went to sleep and how peacefully they were sleeping.
In all of these situations, you can expect some tears from your little one when the world is not going their way. And as a parent, you can maintain your loving boundary and still be there for them in understanding how hard that must be for them.
Focus on the positive
If you can catch your little one doing something good and praise them for it, you can instill those positive behaviors. It’s about celebrating little victories, or celebrating “the process,” rather than always waiting for their behavior to be perfectly learned.
Take a couple of seconds and point out what they’re doing right, and make it detailed and personal. For instance, “Those three hugs you gave your brother were fantastic, nobody hugs like you do.” or “Wow, you wanted the toy your brother was playing with, so you showed him a different toy and you traded. That was great problem solving. Way to go.”
This sends a message to your little that they’re special, and they bring something unique to the family. And your little will start to believe in themselves based on what they’re told, and then continue to act on those great behaviors.
Follow through
The best way to teach socially acceptable behaviors to your little is by practicing them yourself! When children know what to expect, when we mean what we say, say what we mean, and follow through, they feel safe. They’ll feel even more cared for because you are their primary role model and they look to you for guidance (of course, it may not always seem that way as they argue, scream, cry, and negotiate…😆). They’ll mirror what you do and use that as their foundation.
By the way, it’s so important to remember that there are no bad kiddos, only kiddos that have not learned socially acceptable behaviors YET! And that does not mean that when you teach them once or twice or even ten times, “They should know better.” It’s all about consistency, repetition, and catching those little victories.
One of my favorite things to do is a “Do Over”... where your little gets to practice a different response, and you get to praise them for it.
And if your little one is struggling or you have questions about socially acceptable behavior or just behavior in general, we can help! Schedule a FREE 15-minute phone consultation with us now! (Or drop us your questions on Instagram – @healthylittlesleepers!)
All this amazing info came from Sharyn Timerman, of The Early Years as part of our Healthy Little Village Expert Series! We’re tapping experts to share their wealth of knowledge with our HLS community and we’ve got another great talk happening this month!