How to Stop the Sass and Back Talk from Your Kiddos

One of the biggest challenges we often face as parents is dealing with back talk and sassy attitudes from our kids. It can happen at almost any age (as I’m sure you are aware) and often starts with every child’s favorite word – “NO!” 

You ask your little to do something, and they completely refuse or turn and run the opposite way completely ignoring you. SO frustrating! This kind of defiance is a very typical part of child development. Of course, that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, so keep reading for some tips on how to stop the sass and back talk from your kiddos.

A family I worked with (virtually) earlier this year had a five-year-old little who had just started remote learning as a kindergartener. Every morning when it would be time to sit down in front of the computer, he’d run to his bedroom and yell, “I don’t want to go to school today!”

Why do these rebellious moments happen and how do you deal with them?

Why the Back Talk?

While some of this behavior might be learned or attention-seeking, most of it just part of their development and growing up. In fact, behind most behaviors lies development. Your little’s internal world is going crazy and is expressed as chaos in the outside world.

They grow, they go through chaos (and so do you), and then they settle down and their world becomes more organized again.

A child who is going through a developmental leap is more likely to be resistant, or rebellious, and sometimes even outright mean. But, when we equate this kind of misbehavior or defiance with disrespect, we’re setting ourselves up to tackle that situation with annoyance or anger, and that’s not going to make anything better. 

Dealing with Back Talk and Sass from Kids

As parents, we need to help our kids through this new stage and really pay attention to how we handle and approach the situation. With that, here are three tips for dealing with the attitude.

Check Your Anger First

The first thing we have to do is check our anger and frustration at the door. When we’re angry or frustrated at a situation, it never helps and often just makes matters worse. Again, it’s so important to understand that our child’s misbehavior is NOT disrespect, it’s just a part of their development.

Share the Facts

For the family I worked with, part of the process of dealing with the ‘I-hate-school’ attitude was having a conversation – at a different point in time, not in the heat of the moment – and simply explain why going to class is important. We put together a script that said, “It’s your job to go to school, it’s my job and your dad’s job to go to work.”

It can also work around bedtime and food (i.e., why we need sleep, why we eat vegetables to stay healthy). Having that simple, straightforward explanation helps them understand why you’re asking them to do something - not that it will make them sleep or eat certain foods, but there is a reason behind it, and it’s not “because I said so.”

Give them Choices

Oftentimes, when we’re trying to get our kids to do something, our go-to is a bribe, threat, or punishment. “You need to go to class (or get off the computer, or brush your teeth) or else there’s no iPad time or TV tomorrow.” It’s so easy to jump there when you don’t know how else to get the outcome you need. 

But then what happens if they respond with, “I don’t care”? You’re still stuck in the same position, and now there’s a power struggle at hand.

Instead, try giving them a ‘say’ in the matter. We want to be super careful about the choices we give them. So try and think about what choices can you offer your kiddos that will lead to the outcome you need to have happen?

Something like, “Do you want me to turn your computer on or do you want to turn your computer on”? Either way the computer is getting turned on, but we’re giving them a choice and we’re giving them control of the situation, which is also super important – and at the end of the day, the outcome is the same. And then, if they still refuse, you can say, “I see you’re having a hard time, I’ll go ahead and get your computer started for you.”

The Bottom Line

When your little one decides to run away from an activity or talk back and give you attitude, you need to have a plan. It’s a process of checking your frustrations and changing your response; and that’s going to look different for everybody. But remember, as long as you’re trying, you’re already doing great! Just keep at it, you’ve got this! 

For more parenting and sleep tips, make sure you follow me on Instagram – @HealthyLittleSleepers! And get on the waitlist for my next Healthy Parenting Bootcamp!